Not long ago I was at a gas station filling up my car (shocking, I know). It was before my youngest went to college so she was with me. As I filled my tank, I saw something disturbing and almost more disturbing was the fact that I did not know what to do. Across from me and in the parking lot, a father was yelling at his daughter between his car and another woman's car. I am assuming that the teen girl was his daughter and that the woman was the teen's mother. There was arm waving, gestures and tears. The mom's car was packed full of things in baskets and bags. The daughter was trying to talk to the man and he was having none of it. My mind went wild with assumptions. Was he kicking out the girl out of his house? Was the mom trying to send the girl back with her dad?
I had my phone in my pocket and I was anxiously watching to see what would happen. I was scared to ask if everything was ok. My level of confidence in the gas station attendants intervening was low. I am a woman so what would happen if I intervened? I was determined to call the nearby police station if I saw things escalate physically.
In the meantime, my daughter and I made eye contact. She was troubled as well and had her phone out and ready. We were both ready to act but unsure if any action was warranted before violence erupted. I hung around to watch and make sure that the women were going to be ok. The man jumped in his car and peeled out. I still regret not writing down his license plate number and calling it in. Meanwhile, the daughter and the mom sat in the car alternating between crying and yelling. I waited until they calmed down and drove off. The whole episode was short and lasted the duration of my tank getting filled. The memories persist. My daughter and I had a conversation about it on the drive home and I am sure that neither of us will forget that incident.
Recently my wonderful Americorps VISTA leader had someone present from UMKC's Green Dot at one of our meetings. I brought up this scenario and asked for advice. It was mentioned that having the incident on file would have been beneficial for the mom when she went to court for custody issues. I could have set off my car alarm for a distraction. I could have phoned the police early on and reported the license plates so there was documentation. I could have asked the gas station attendant to intervene. At the time, I was frozen with inaction. I hate that personal barriers are something that we all fight with when placed in situations where we aren't comfortable.
UMKC has a great violence prevention curriculum about the Green Dot movement.
The problem: There are too many power based cases of personal violence. In a group of 18, all of us knew someone who had experienced personal violence of some kind, and over half of us had personally experienced it.
"Just one person can change the culture of our community." Lona brought up the story of Facebook, which originally started on campus at Harvard. By asking friends asking friends to sign up, Facebook spread across the Harvard campus and then onto other campuses. Now people across the globe have Facebook because of the power of one.
What are red dots? Red dots are moments where people choose violence. It could be sexual or physical violence. Words could be used to humiliate, threaten, or coerce others. It could be someone showing up in unwanted places like another person's work or home.
What are the warning signs? In my story, the warning signs involved raised voices, tears and body language. Other warning signs could be differences in someone's behavior or dress (covering bruises or scratches).
Green dots are solutions. These are things that we can do to stop a potential red dot in progress. If we are brave enough (and I was not) we can go ask if everything is ok. We could check with the person privately and say, "I've been worried." We could share our concern with someone in authority and that we trust. We can distract during the event.
There are barriers that keep us from intervention or from engaging. In my story, my personal barriers played a big role. Some personal barriers are: introverted, afraid of escalating, afraid of retaliation, uncertainty about what to do, not wanting to make a scene, embarrassment, or fear of losing friendship. Sometimes unspoken friendship rules also come into play or fear of being the "squeaky" wheel. The biggest one that I have heard is "it is not my business".
There are three big Ds to remember: direct, delegate, and distract.
Direct means that we can do something ourselves. We can intervene in the scenario.
Delegate means that we can ask someone for help. If we are concerned that the police might escalate the situation we can ask a friend of the people involved to intervene or maybe talk to a staff member.
Distract means that we can spill our drink or set off our car alarm to pull attention off of the situation. If a girl is going into a bad situation, another girl could insist that it is time to go home and they are both going.
Proactive green dots have to do with the culture of the community. What kind of actions are acceptable in certain situations. Some communities have bathroom posters that warn of consequences and offer help if a person is in a red dot situation. People can retell green dot stories and initiate conversations. We can nod and smile if someone else is engaged in green dot behaviors or is trying to end a red dot situation. We can like or share posts about green dots.
I will close with one more story. Years ago I knew a family with immigrant parents and some amazingly well behaved children. The children were shy to participate but would do so when engaged. I was oh so young and oh so untrained in red dot behavior. Recently I found out that the father was aggressive and violent at home. The mother lived in fear that her children would be taken away and she tried to shield her children as much as possible. I know the indicators now, but then I did not. I saw behavior that I questioned but I did not know how much was cultural. The father acted like the model parent in public and he had a respected career. There were no bruises or marks that I saw and the children looked well cared for. As I grapple with the situation now, I think the biggest warning sign that I saw was in the eyes of the children. I confused their hesitancy to participate with personality types. The children have grown to be amazing, compassionate adults. I have regrets that I did not understand what I saw so that I could act on it. I doubt that they will ever read this blog, but if they do, know that I love your family and I pray for you often. I am so incredibly proud of you.
If you are interested in Green Dot swag, here is a website where you can purchase things. Green dot swag is one more way to start a conversation!
A big thank you to Lona Davenport of UMKC's Green Dot at the Violence Prevention Office. Most of my pictures are screenshots from during the meeting and I want to give credit where credit is due.
Thank you also for allowing me to be so candid in this post.
And of some have compassion, making a difference: Jude 1:22 KJV
Click here to find out more about volunteer opportunities at City of Refuge.
All opinions expressed here are solely mine and are not a reflection of the opinions of the
Americorp VISTA program or of City of Refuge in Columbia, MO.
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